Emosi Diri

20070412

i cant believe that my first year in uni is almost over. i just realised that fact today, when yana told me that my holiday practically starts today. that really surprised me. it seems like just yesterday that i entered uni, a know-nothing freshman, with no seniors to help me out. i can still remember everything that happened ever since the end of the a's (which i still cant believe are almost 2 years ago). i remember not doing anything during that long 6 months holiday, not working at all, just slacking away. i remember going with sher, mx and yf to sentosa to see the sentosa flowers, after which we hung about at siloso beach for a while. i remember sher saying she was going off to watch the chingay performance after that. i remember going for my first wahana training after the sentosa outing that day. i remember how i got taken aback by all the girls when they welcomed me very warmly. i remember finding out that siti just joined the group too. i remember not being able to come for the second training because i had to go out to dinner with nan's family at johor, which coincidentally was the first time in a long time that abang ha joined us. i remember having quite a few dinner or lunch outings with my pw groupmates. funny how our group really bonded with each other, when none of the other groups did. i remember half the class having lunch together at swensens before we collected our alevel results. i remember arriving at mj late and finding out from philemon on the way that qifan had gotten 3a's. i remember going out with the syf girls after that, went to tampines to eat and just catch up with each other. i remember all the birthday outings we had, either with the mj girls or with the tkg girls. i remember playing pool with the mj peeps after salwa's party, playing a never-ending game with radhiyah, getting to know her much better then.

i remember training for perdana, from saringan to semis to finals. i remember going home with nana or hana, taking turns accompanying them on the bus. i remember all the physical fitness training that we did. i remember teaching nana sometimes (and this actually applies to both the nana's that i know). and then i remember the actual competitions and performances themselves. the nervousness as we waited for our turn backstage, the anxiety when we waited for the results (though we missed the results for saringan cos we went back to cc to change first), the elation we felt when we heard we got into finals. i remember all the celebratory dinners we had, all the times we hung out together. i remember the practice at bedok reservoir park, getiing bothered by all the insects there, going for the dinner and returning to find out that the whole park wasnt lit (i.e. there were no lights). and then i remembered the finals itself. how cold the place was, how small the rooms were, how "soundproof" our rooms turned out to be. i remember people practicing at the last minute, frantically trying to remember steps. i remember rehearsing in the room, minutes before finals, as we heard through the intercom the crowd and the other performances. i remember hearing makyong's performance backstage, remember finding their lagu juara very very nice. i remember us encouraging each other, exchanging hugs and good luck wishes just before we went up. i remember forgetting my ragam for the juara part, and how i just copied whatever it was that kak jun (who was sitting beside me) was doing. i remember not liking the acoustics and not being able to hear myself and anyone else. i remember getting off that stage feeling so many things, relief, happiness, anxiety, nervousness (still), disappointment, guilt, the list is endless. i remember hearing the results, watching it on the small tv backstage. i remember feeling disappointed that we didnt get top three, but thoroughly satisfied nonetheless that my dream to join (just join) perdana came true at last. i remember us being given just 15 mins after the competition to pack all our stuff and to leave the place. i remember walking all the way to suntec to meet my parents, with my heels and all my makeup and the gold baju. and then, not long after, i remember watching myself on tv, remembering my sister laughing at me (but she recorded it on her hp nonetheless), remember kaklong calling me to tell me she'd seen me on tv, remember irda's msg.

and all that was just before uni started. after that, even more things happened, more memories formed, more events sketched irreversibly in my mind.

first there was foc. meeting so many tkg friends, after having not met them for two years. sharing the same room with yasmine and not saying a word to each other. playing all those introduction and team-building games in the day, getting to know the bulmak gang. and who can forget the nightwalk? having already played a tiring game in the day, but still having to roam all around the school at night with fake ghosts scaring the shit out of you (i dont like nightwalks, and never will like them). remember our group getting pissed off with some of the ghosts, especially at the abandoned building. remember feeling really tired after that. and then the amazing race thingy the next day, our group slacking the whole way, not even bothering to run, getting treated an ice cream each by walid, and reaching the final pit stop last because the other group took a cab. i remember irda and adibah coming over to sleep in my room that night, cos yasmine had left early that day and would only be back the next day. i remember sitting for the exact same talk by some guy on the last day, a talk that i had already heard in mj. remember remembering how he did not change his talk at all, even the taufik's song that he made us sing. remember getting everyone's email add after everything ended that day so that i could email them the many pictures that we had taken, especially during that amazing race thingy.

and then school started. all the confusion with how many modules to take, what kind of modules, the difference between UE and breadth and gems and faculty requirements and major requirements and more. and then the confusion with CORS, first time bidding for anything. going over to huda's house to help her with her bidding, talking to shifa on the phone at the same time. me irda and liza exchanging news about the bidding and the points. ending up taking many of the same modules as them even though we did not arrange our timetables together. and then after bidding for modules, there came ballotting for tutorials instead. all the hours spent arranging and rearranging and rearranging our timetables yet again just to make sure nothing clashed. CORS can certainly be a bother, but i guess you have to get used to it no matter what. and then, after finally getting the modules, there came the studies, the lectures and tutorials themselves. and that i wont get into.

even while all these were going on, i remember going for pbm and ilsa welcome teas, joining the akulturasi production, missing and getting set back by 2 weeks of lesson because of akul. i remember going down to pa to practise, getting amazed by the era dancers and getting used to the way cikgu osman taught. remember all the drama that happened (which i wont elaborate on). remember all the things that went on during that time, from the practices to the bonding sessions to the actual production itself. remember learning new steps at the last minute, remembering steps at the last minute, making mistakes during the performance itself, the technical problems that happened. all the funny things, the sad things, the scary things, the bad and the good, the rights and the wrongs, i still remember them all like it was just yesterday.

and then soon before i knew it, the exams came, and then the semester was over. in just a blink of an eye, it was over. just like that. and then before i could even get my feet back, have enough enjoyment, everything started again with the start of sem 2.

and sem 2 has been a total ride of ups and downs. so many things have happened this sem, so many things that i involved myself in. attending the ilsa camp, dancing in our kebayas at cfa night, going and helping out at the pbm iftar, getting appointed as ilsa's liaison officer, signing up as committee members for pbm events. getting involved in malam pentas, even though i was initially not part of the committe at all, going through all the ups and downs of malam pentas with huda and liza, all the late nights after meetings when we fetched the guys and went to eat, all the while still discussing abit about malam pentas. me and liza making up the checklists, what needs to be done, what things we need etc. then the actual days of the events themselves. being in charge of programs is not a small thing. there were so many things that i had to keep track of, what time we were supposed to meet, what time things were supposed to be set up, what time the performers and hosts had to come, having to deal with last minute changes and starting late and taking care of the technical things to make sure everything goes smooth. those two days really tired me out, especially the first. but i learned a lot from it, i really did, and not only in terms of how to manage the programs of an event, or even how to organise an event. there were more, much more, that i learnt.

and then after malam pentas, going straight into artsfest trainings. that was another tiring avenue, having to remember all those dance steps and learning how to do them properly all in a very short time. its a wonder how i eventually managed to remember them (just remember, not do them properly :P). plus all the performances that we had in between, learning how to use my own makeup (slowly but gradually i learnt :)), how to do my own hair, and then during artsfest, how to change clothes as quickly as possible. it was fun. tiring, but still fun. it definitely was an experience that i wont be able to forget that easily.

and yet after artsfest, i still couldnt rest. had to jump straight in into pentas budaya. all the problems that we had, all the stressful moments, all the last-minute decisions, all the planning and meetings. all the things that happened at the taklimat and bengkel. i'm really glad that husni's our pd. he's been optimistic about the whole thing from the start, never allowing it to end, never saying enough even when he probably felt like ending it. and then all the support that we got from the jk and reeza, especially in the last few weeks before the bengkel, and even up till now. they've really been helping us a lot, in terms of manpower as well as mental and emotional support. i'm really glad that they're there for us, no matter what happens. i really really have to thank them all, ibnur, hafie, kamal, faizal and reeza especially, for always being there for me, always offerring help, advice and emotional support, and for giving me many words of encouragement throughout. huge thanks too to salmah and lin, for always being there whenever me and husni needed help, and for sticking with us all this time. i know that our most important days arent over yet, and that the worst is yet to come, but somehow, i know that we will get through this, because i know that you guys will always be there, that we'll all go through it together, that we'll always be there for one another.

my first year in uni has been very eventful, and in a way, i am glad that i got myself involved in many things, from helping to organise malam pentas and pentas budaya and perkampungan bahasa to performing with ilsa and the wahana girls and the nus dikir groups, both the guys and the girls. i've learnt so much, experienced so many things, things that i dont think i would ever have a chance to do once i get out of uni. and i think that all these things combined have taught me many things, and that through them, i have changed (even if it wasnt drastically). i think i've learnt to speak up more, to be more mature, more responsible. i've learnt to have more confidence in myself and my capabilities, to be more open-minded, learn how to accept other people's ideas and evaluate things, how to work well in a team, how to be a good leader and a good follower, how to trust others, how to deal and work with strangers. i've learnt who i can work with, who i can trust, the identities of my real friends, those who would always be there for me, those whom i know that i can depend on, can share my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams to. i've changed, from a soft-spoken girl who never involves herself in anything, who prefers to shy away from the main crowd, who never says anything and just hangs at the back of the group all the time, to someone who speaks more now, who's more outspoken, less afraid of speaking up, less afraid to get involved in things. i guess i'm beginning to learn how to open up my doors, to let others in, learn how to let go of my insecurities and how to face up to them. i'm glad that i'm here. i guess, in a way, i've finally found the reason why i'm here, in uni. its for me to find out who i am, or who i can be.

who knew that 1 year in uni could do so many things?

inilah aku

10:20 pm