havent blogged for quite a while. just didnt have anything to write, or the strength to write if i even had any. i've been quite tired recently, what with akulturasi occurring in a weeks time and having to go to walk around and climb so many stairs in school. its not that i'm physically tired mind you, its just that i've been going through quite a lot of emotional ups and downs and they're kinda draining the energy out of me. the fact that i'm hating myself even more for always depending on others and dreaming dreams but never having the confidence to actually act on them and my physical appearance and for never being able to give what is wanted and for never socializing and always keeping to myself and never letting anyone know what i really feel even if they can guess it by my actions and looks and never having the confidence to reveal the true me and never having the courage to make friends and always feeling left out even when i'm not and always pretending to prefer being alone and quiet when i dont and many other things that i just cant be bothered to type cos i'm a lazy person who cant even work up the courage to write down every single thing she's feeling in her blog for fear of what others might think when they read it even when she knows that they care for her and that writing is really the only way she can relieve herself of all the emotional burden that she carries, out of which most of it she brought on herself. and that just gives me some more reasons to hate myself and the person i wanted to be and the person i've become and the person that i was and just everything else about me. at least suwen has her paintings. i dont have anything. never had, never will.
enough is enough already. i dont need all that bullshit from you. dont say one thing now just to say a totally different thing in the next instance. and dont try to be nice cos you really arent making it any better. after all, i'm useless, just a good-for-nothing girl, someone who can be replaced and changed anytime anywhere. so dont make a fool out of me, i know i already am one. i never should have, i just never learn. should have stopped from the start, but its all too late now. i'm in too much trouble already, no point in stopping. after all, i'll definitely go there, no matter what happens. no matter how much i may try to change. nothing will. its all my fault. i know it is. realisation doesnt make acceptance any easier. i'm a fool, always am and always will be, no matter what anyone says. i've believed that for too long to ever break free from it. and notice how everything always comes back to me? me me me. its always my fault. my own stupidity. so stop expecting more. i'm not worth anything. i should never have been here. everything would have been better without me.