Emosi Diri

20060528

ok someone tell me truthfully: am i too reserved a person? and what sort of a person am i?

i've been feeling tired these past few days and i don't really know why considering the fact that i have no reason to be tired. not when i'm wasting my life away doing nothing every single day except when i have my dk trainings which in some ways stresses me out as well, not because of the demands of the training itself but more due to all the family objections that i get due to my involvements in dk. sometimes i get envious when i hear about other people's family being supportive of what they do. cos' i dont think i've ever gotten that from my family. all i ever hear is criticisms and nothing else. i noe that they may have given me some silent support ( not in dk though) but sometimes its just nicer and more heartwarming to hear it upfront. its enough that i'm constantly criticising myself, i really don't need it from anyone else. its tiring enough carrying all that physical n emotional weight without having anymore being heaped on me mercilessly. i'm not sure if i can do this anymore. my already low self confidence is dropping even lower and i find myself feeling so useless every single day. is it really my fault? and is it really wrong of me to do something that i like more than anything else? i'm tired of everything, i really am. of all the fake smiles and happiness, of all the hidden tears and miseries, of all the self abuse and ill feelings.

really big thanks to dikir for bringing me respite from all these unhappiness. its the only thing that can make me feel completely happy, even if they are just short abrupt bouts of happiness. even though once trainings end, all the feelings return to haunt me endlessly.

for once i'm going to go and sleep before 2. if i even manage to do it. all these late nights are killing me. not that i want them, i just have too many things on my mind to ever have any quick respite from them for me to try and sleep. even when i do try to sleep early, i always end up lying awake on the bed trying to make myself sleep. and its hours before i manage to do so. i'm tired. and i'm sleepy. and i really need to lose weight. but i cant seem to do it. i just cant do anything. except eat. but even that tires me out sometimes. i don't know whats wrong with me anymore.

ah heck. i'm a freak. that's it.

inilah aku

12:32 am